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Halloween Jokes and One Liners

What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other?
Cut it out!

What is a pumpkin’s favorite sport?
Squash.

How do you repair a broken Jack-o-lantern?
Buy a pumpkin patch!

What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi (3.1428571428571428571428571428571)

Why do pumpkins never quarrel?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.

What kind of alley does a ghost prefer to haunt?
A dead end.

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.

What do goblins mail home while on vacation?
Ghostcards.

What’s a ghosts favourite ride at the carnival?
The roller ghoster.

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties.

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
“Don’t spook until you’re spooken to.”

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.

What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid.

What is a ghost’s favorite party game?
Hide-and-go-shriek.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?
A boo-tie.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What’s a ghost’s favorite desert?
Boo-berry pie.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.

Where do little ghosts learn to yell “BOO!”?
In noisery school.

What game do ghosts like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.

What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Tombstones.

What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.

What is a ghost’s favorite bird?
A scare crow.

What do you call a prehistoric ghost?
A terror-dactyl.

Who’s the most important member of a ghost’s hockey team?
The ghoulie.

Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.

What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.

What kind of music do ghosts listen to?
Sheet music.

What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.

Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.

Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office.

What did the ghost buy for his Haunted House?
Home Moaners Insurance.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Cuz women can see right through them.

What do you call a drunken ghost?
A methylated spirit.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn’t have a haunting license.

Who does a female ghost see on a Friday night?
Her Boo-friend.

What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot.

Who speaks at the ghosts’ press conference?
The spooksperson.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
“Do you believe in people”

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane.

Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It’s hard to pin anything on them.

When the male ghost met the female ghost…?
It was love at first fright.

How do you rid a Ghost from your house?
Ask him to split the rent!

What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-ick…

What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo…

What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boojeans…

Where do fasionable ghosts shop for sheets?
At bootiques…

What did the t.v. news reporter say to the ghost?
Everyone dead! Boos at 11…

What was a witch’s favourite subject when they were in school?
Spelling!

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.

What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.

Why don’t witches ride their brooms when they’re angry?
They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

What do you call the witches garage?
The broom closet.

Where does a witch go on vacation?
The Eerie Canal.

What do people say to the parents of twin witches?
Which witch is which?

How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away the W.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.

How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
By witchful thinking.

Why did the witch’s mail rattle?
It was a chain letter.

Why did the witch feed her cat pennies?
She wanted to put some money in the kitty.

What does the coven’s softball team do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

Do witches stay home on weekends?
No — they go away for a spell.

What do you call a witch Who drives really badly?
A road hag.

What kind of music do witches play on the piano?
Hag-time.

What do you call a pretty and friendly witch?
A failure.

What’s a witch’s favorite film?
My Fear Lady.

What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.

What is the witches motto?
We came, we saw, we conjured.

Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?
That’s the time to go to sweep.

How do witches on broomsticks drink their tea?
Out of flying saucers.

Why should men beware of beautiful witches?
They’ll sweep them off their feet.

What kind of jewelry do witches wear on their wrists?
Charm bracelets.

Why did the witch keep turning into Mickey Mouse?
She kept having Disney spells.

What is the difference between a musician and a dead witch?
One composes and the other decomposes.

How does a witch make scrambled eggs?
She holds the pan and gets 2 friends to make the stove shake with fright.

Why won’t a witch wear a flat hat?
Because there is no point in it.

Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
Because there are so many witches sweeping the sky.

What does a witch get if she is a poor traveler?
Broom sick.

What do witches race on?
Vroomsticks.

What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg?
A cold spell.

What should you expect if you drop in on a witches home unexpectedly?
Pot luck.

What do witches sing at Christmas?
“Deck the halls with poison ivy….”

What musical instrument does a skeleton play?
A trombone.

Why don’t skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I’m bone to be wild.

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.

What kind of key opens a casket?
A skeleton key

Why did the mummy call the doctor?
Because her baby was coffin.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
hey’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

What is a Mummies’ favorite type of music?
Wrap Music!!!!!

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They’re so wrapped up in themselves.

Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea

What is a vampires favourite type of ship?
A blood vessel.

Why wasn’t the vampire working?
He was on his coffin break.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangsgiving.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
His other fang.

What is the tallest building in Transylvania?
The Vampire State Building.

Where do vampires store their money?
In a blood bank.

Where does a vampire water ski?
On Lake Erie.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

What surgery does a vampire doctor perform?
Fly by night operations.

What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.

Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch?
At the casketeria.

What’s Dracula’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
Vein-illa.

What kind of fruit does dracula like?
Neckterines!

What’s Dracula’s favorite coffee?
Decoffinated.

What do you get if you cross Dracula and Al Capone?
A fangster.

What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
“Auld Fang Syne”.

What’s a vampire’s favorite dance?
The fangdango.

What does a vampire say to the mirror?
Terror, terror on the wall…

What did the three vampires order at the bar?
Two bloods and a blood light…

Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation…

Where do vampires go on holiday?
The Isle of Fright.

Why did the vampire take up acting?
It was in his blood.

What do you say to a fishermen say on Halloween?
“Trick-or-trout!”

Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on his shoulder?
It was for time for ‘tick or tweet’!

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?
Masked potatoes.

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

What do you call a little monster’s parents?
Mummy and deady.

What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein…

What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.

What goes “Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!”
A monster laughing his head off.

What’s a monsters favorite play?
Romeo and Ghouliet.

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Benjamin Frankenstein.

What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A wash and wear wolf.

What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.
A sour-puss.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius? Pumpkin pi.

What’s a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.

What do Italians eat on halloween?
Fetuccini A-fraid-o

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

Why are black cats such good singers?
They’re very mewsical.

What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

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