Okay, time for everybody to disrobe. Please
Tuesday– I call the ‘Casting Availability Voice Mail Line’ …”Hello Union Men! We are looking for 35-40 Year Olds who are comfortable being in a Hot Tub in Swim Trunks at a Valley ‘Swingers Party’ Night-Shoot for a new TV Family Comedy. Additional day for Costume Fitting.” I figured “Why the heck not?” and submit myself. This job would shoot in Chatsworth (or as we call it on the Coast…The Porn Capital of The World). Not that this show will be porn. Tivo it for the kiddies. Please.
Wednesday – I get the Text Booking for this job and immediately begin 2 day pathetic attempt at losing 5 pounds by extreme dieting & overworking out (why didn’t I exercise in the last 6 lazy days? Boy do I regret it). And in next 48 hours I use an entire bottle of L’Oreal’s Body Experience ‘Sublime Bronze’ Medium Natural Self-Tanning Lotion (Streak Free!). Because I’m worth it. By Friday I will be ready to fight George Hamilton for ‘Best Fake Tan’. Hopefully. Body Confidence in a bottle.
Thursday – 9am bi-monthly Background Casting Director’s “Visiting” Meeting with 200-300 of my closest Union Co-Extras. When called on, I say “Thank you Casting Department. I’m finally fulfilling my dream to be booked as a Hot Tub Swinger. In Speedos. In Chatsworth.” Get huge laugh. Now off to my “Paid Fitting” munching carrots pretending they are totally yummy. I am so full. At the fitting I meet all the other Swingers and everyone is over 65 except the other Hot Tub Guy and me (call him “Dennis”). We both have Shaved Heads, Goatees, & No Tattoos (me another Sight Gag? No Way Oye Vey!). I realize I am in over my head when the Wardrobe Team brings out 4 Designer Banana Hammocks and take pictures of me wearing just Sandals, each Speedo & a smile. In a Hallway. With Crew Members walking by. I am holding my stomach in so tightly my tummy gurgles. The Day-Glo Canary Yellow ‘Emilio Pucci’ Designer Print seems to get the biggest laugh and as I walk out Dennis says “Well that was humiliating.”
Friday All Night-Call – Hot night in the Valley Backyard Location of Typical Middle Class Home. The heat makes it a tiny bit easier when we are lined up in the front driveway by the Crafty Food Table and told by Wardrobe “Okay, time for everybody to disrobe.” They flash digital cameras for continuity photos before filming starts (to make sure no one changes anything so everything matches shot after shot). There are 15 other ‘Swingers’ and everyone looks over 65 and they got the flesh to prove it. All the men are dressed like Hugh Hefner in Silk Pajamas bottoms or Boxer Shorts & NO SHIRTS. My eyes hurt trying to avoid looking at massive bellies everywhere. Everyone feels very self-conscious for a while then relaxes. The less said about the outfits the Poor Elderly Ladies are wearing, the better. Think ‘Fredericks of Hollywood’ Old Sluts & throw in a dozen Feathered Marabou Pumps.
Question to my Male Readers. You are over 65 and know in advance what you’ll be asked to do tonight on set. What is it about all the Male Extras that make them comfortable enough to keep their “Modesty Robes” off all night long? All the Gals and me kept ours on and closed unless we were filming. None of the Men with their shirts off do. I don’t get it. The guys act like it is Miami Beach. Thank goodness no one was in a thong.
I check with the DGA Trainee to see if Producers will give me my requested higher “Bikini Rate Bump” (more money for almost Nudie-Bump for showing my almost Nudie-Bump). She will tell me before we wrap. Badda Bump.
The Set Decorator’s Team has placed 5 Hollow Fake Marble Statues of Nude Couples Copulating around the Pool (and ’cause it’s for family viewing scarves had been cleverly draped to cover naughty bits). Dennis & I meet our Ménage a Trois Hot Tubby Girl Date. She is a plus size gal who is a hoot & a half in a One-Piece Bathing Suit the size of Milwaukee. She, Dennis & I are the lead background in the scene and are treated with kid gloves by Crew. There is a lot of skin showing here, people, but this Garden of Eden Lovenest is completely private. Just 75 Crew strangers & us. Let the Fake Orgy begin…
There is an old Former Dancer who is very sweet and has casaba melon sized double barrel boobs. She is surprisingly dressed as a demur school girl…oh wait. No she’s in a red laced Low Cut Push-Up Bra and a Purple Silk Strapless Kimono. At the last minute someone hands her a Feathered Boa and it is removed when Production realize it will cover her Money-Makers. The Director asks her to “please shake those” on ACTION and she complies with an earth moving over-the-top performance that includes chewing so much scenery she is repeatedly told “tone it down honey.” Every step she takes is a limbo lesson in excess. She steals focus away from the Actors and is cut out of the scene after the 3rd take. See you back at Crafty dear (can someone check Meryl Streep’s availability?). Pronto.
Meanwhile Dennis is directed to “grab” the Beautiful Ingenue’s leg as she walks by (she’s playing someones Granddaughter who arrives by mistake…cue hilarity!). Dennis leans out of our Hot Tub and tries to drag her in. She kicks him away & proves very game. Dennis gets a close-up licking his chops with a grin that gets a well deserved laugh. They don’t hear his under-his-breath comments about what he’s planning to do to the girl when he gets his hands on her. It’s very funny and during one take she surprises us by screaming “STOP IT!” and throwing a condom at him. Another big laugh and Dennis is in Male Hog Heaven. During the evening Dennis mutters “I get to Grope the Star. Nice” & “She hit the Lotto baby.” He laughs at his own jokes when no one else does. During a break around 1am a Crew Member tells Dennis “Hey Fella…keep your voice down it carries quite a bit. This is a Neighborhood”. Dennis had a lot of bluster but in the end he was very funny on-camera and had sleazy down pat (practice). He continues making inappropriate comments all night… joking at one point to the actual owner of this house “Hey did they ever get the baby out of your pool?” Dennis repeatedly confides he hopes his Ex-Girlfriend will not see this because it is undignified. No fooling Dennis.
After 3 hours in the water they gave us a Meal Break. Wardrobe brought us Towels & Robes. A Silver Haired 70 year old former Model who had just been filmed leading a Conga Line with her real life Shirtless Hubby said we were all “very brave”. She admits kissing her man more during this night’s shoot then in their last 10 years. Cue tears for Husband. She was elegant, beautiful, and they dressed her like a whore. While eating she told me that she had recently worked with a beautiful young Madam taking cell-phone calls on-set, scheduling appointments for her Female Escorts. And the Madam tries to recruit from the Extra Ranks! Shocking much?
When will these Caterers stop spoiling us? After eating veggies & fruit for 2 days to pretend I can still look 25, I gave up around 2am & instead devour Fillet Mignon (..again?) & half the Crafty Table including 2 tamales, 3 tacos, & a Fresh Strawberry Banana Smoothie. Fabulous & I don’t care. Did you just say “Fatty Fatty Two By Four can’t get through the Kitchen Door?” How dare you.
Walking back to set the Make Up Gal compliments my feet …”Nice Tootsies.” Thanks. 5 minutes later we have to jump back in the water for reverse camera coverage. Let the shrinkage re-commence.
My Toot Toot Tootsies….
We wrapped at 3:12 am and most of my Bottle Tan washes down the shower drain an hour later. Oh…and I got the Bikini Rate Bump (because I’m worth it). Glamor thy name is Johnny Extra…