“Wound? What wound!”

As you see I am in another Disaster Movie. There has been a horrible “fill-in-the-blank catastrophe” and I am barely surviving the worldwide “you’ve-seen-this-a-thousand-times-fiasco” panic.  A building collapses on many people (I’m one of them) and we wander dazed into to the only remaining open hospital emergency room in Los Angeles County. Cue the ‘Viper Fog’ Smoker Machines to fill the set with falling fake soot. (Smoke Bump! Mo’ money!). A Wise Lady Doctor yells “All her reflexes are gone!” as a bloodied Old Woman bandaged like a Mummy is wheeled wildly down a hallway. I stagger to the Nurses Station & collapse onto the floor (as directed). Repeatedly. 

There is a Background Cast of Hundreds & I’m booked for the week as a Scientist (my 5th such recent gig…Trend Alert). My first day I get upgraded to Stand-In (2nd Bump & a ton of fun!). Today is my last day & it starts at 5:00am in one of the many abandoned/bankrupt real former hospitals here in town that are now film locations (our Cameraman was born in this Hospital…how weird is that?).  After ‘NDB’ (Non-Deductible Breakfast) the 2nd AD announces “I need 3 Accident Victims who are cool with Prosthetics being glued to their heads & a bucket of blood being pored over them. Who wants to do it?”  “Me! Me! Pick Me!” I squeal jumping up & down & wildly waving an arm up & down & then clapping my hands! I get a laugh & am First Pick (thank you. I’m here all week…try the veal). Goodbye Scientist hello Crash Victim. An award winning Make-Up Artist who is famous for his Vampires (you’d be slayed if you knew who it was) spends an hour working on me. “Nice Canvas” he says when he sees my freshly shaved dome. “More blood” says The Director. I fall asleep in the chair and wake up as Carrie’s Prom Date (3rd Bump & I feel pretty!). I get to walk around looking like this all day. Yip Yip Hurray! A Grip asks “Typical day at the office Bro?” The Script Girl jokes “I thought they called you ‘Brains’ because you were smart!” At ‘Crafty’ the Lovely Female Lead jumps & gasps “You scared the sh*t out of me!” (very ladylike I might add).  A Sound Guy holds up wheat bread pointing at me “Who wants Ham with this?” I use his line the rest of the day. No I do not give him credit. One Female Extra gets so excited she begs the 2nd AD “Can I do that too please please please?” “Pump your breaks honey” he replies. What can I say? Women get excited seeing me.  Always have. Don’t tell my boyfriend. 

““Who wants Ham with this?”

See what Wardrobe has done. This is their plaid shirt & my own jeans & tee. After Make-Up is through with me then Wardrobe starts adding more and more blood everywhere (subtle you think?).  They promise it will all wash out (& if not they’ll give me replacement money…nice).  At wrap I ask the Make-Up Guy “Will you please help clean me up?” He pauses. “Ahhhh … No.” He gets a big laugh at my expense (how dare he). He then kindly radios his team to meet me at their Trailer for a “removal”. 45 minutes later I am cleaned up pretty again. And yes back at home the blood washes out of all my clothes. So much for my hopeful shopping spree. Dang!