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Fathers day jokes and one liners

Dad Wisdom: Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

Dad Wisdom: Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree!

Dad Wisdom: Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.

Dad Wisdom: Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Dad Wisdom: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Dad Wisdom: Half the people you know are below average.

Dad Wisdom: I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.

Dad Wisdom: I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Dad Wisdom: I finally got my head together and then my body fell apart.

Dad Wisdom: I never start something that I am not going to fi

Dad Wisdom: I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done already.

Dad Wisdom: Looking for a helping hand? There’s one on your arm.

Dad Wisdom: Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.

Dad Wisdom: Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Dad Wisdom: Old age comes at a bad time.

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

You’re old when you don’t care where your wife goes, Just so you don’t have to go along.

Father’s Day brings out my paternal instincts. An hour of babysitting takes them away.

You can tell it’s almost Father’s Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales.

Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Ask him for advice.

Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Clean out the garage for him.

Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Tell him you love him a whole hardware-store-full.

Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Ask him to autograph a baseball.

Dad’s still say: Because I said so.

Dad’s still say: Go ask your mother.

Dad’s still say: Don’t make me stop this car!

Dad’s still say: Were you raised in a barn?

Dad’s still say: You don’t know what hardwork is.

Dad’s still say: It builds character.

Dad’s still say: Money doesn’t grow on trees.

Dad’s still say: A little bit of dirt never killed anyone.

Dad’s still say: When I was your age…

Dad’s still say: Your grounded till you’re 30!

Show your dad you really appreciate all the things he’s done. Lend him the keys to your car.

The perfect Father’s Day gift? Take Mom on vacation with you.

I know what I’m getting for Father’s Day. Last night my daughter asked me what size aftershave I wear.

My dad’s not real affectionate. The last time he hugged me I think it was called a “half-Nelson.”

Father’s Day always worries me. I’m afraid I’ll get a gift I can’t afford.

Nowadays, Father’s Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.

My son wants 50% of my Father’s Day gifts. He says, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be a father.

Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: I’m lost. Let’s stop & get directions.

Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO WILD!!

Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: Mom & I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?

Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.

Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: No. I have no idea what’s wrong with your car.

Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: You don’t need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.

In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it’s the size of his minivan.

“A father is a banker provided by nature.” — French Proverb

“When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry.”
~ William Shakespeare

To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
~ Ernest Hemingway.

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
~ Red Buttons

“My grandfather always said that living is like licking honey off a thorn.” — Louis Adamic

“I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” — Mario Cuomo

“A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house” ~ Paul Lewis

“When one has not had a good father, one must create one.”
~ Aziza Friedrich Nietzsche

“My father said, ‘Politics asks the question: Is it expedient? Vanity asks: Is it popular? But conscience asks: Is it right?'” — Dexter Scott King

“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.” — Ruth E. Renkel

“A man’s children and his garden both reflect the amount of weeding done during the growing season”. — Unknown

“A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.” — Unknown

It is impossible to please all the world and one’s father.~ Jean de La Fontaine

It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.
~ Anne Sexton

A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.~ Carol Coats

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
~ Henry Ward Beecher or Anjaneth Garcia Untalan, (not sure)

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” — Charles Wadsworth

“Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad.” — Anne Geddes

The greatest gift I ever had
Came from God; I call him Dad!

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