It’s easy being green!
Stand-In Starr in Green Suit reporting for duty Sir (and also on-screen as several CGI 8 foot tall imaginary space cavemen & women in yet another 200 Million Dollar Sci-Fi Mega who-cares-at-this-point Franchise). We’re shooting in a huge old airplane hanger the size of Milwaukee that now is the biggest Green Screen special effects sound stage in greater Los Angeles. We are living large today folks & the Stars are all famous Actor’s Actors. Fun! I’m doing Green Suit! I’m doing Green Suit! Does my ass look fat in this Green Suit?
I’ve got a backpack on with an 8 foot pole at the top holding a space face mask. Did I mention everything’s green? I will be replaced in post-production with a digital creature but for now I’m pretending I’m the Green Lantern’s sidekick. The height of the characters I am standing in for determines how high the three cute British special effects guys adjust the mask above my head. They start with the lowest setting because in scene one I’m a 7 foot tall she-devil the crew calls “Lil Shorty”. “Hey Lil Shorty come here. Where’s Lil Shorty? Does anyone know where Lil Shorty is?…oh there you are.” This is extremely funny the first dozen times I hear it. Fortunately when I am zipped into the Green Suit no one can see me smirk and ignore them. There are many fit handsome stuntmen also in Green Suits. They are too busy to talk to me because they are planning dangerously high wire-flying tricks and will be dodging exploding catapult space grenades. Selfish handsome stuntmen. I hate them. I love them. Don’t tell my boyfriend. I mean it this time. Explosions. Yippee clap clap!
When I’m not Lil Shorty this week I’m in a leather space tent as a guard to her Royal Kidnapped Alien Princess Miss Almost Judy Jetson. The King of our tribe is bad guy super scary and I’m about to be knocked out so she be saved by the Hero. I am Loser Spock Flintstone. Feel my outer space shame. There are blazing torches inside and an open fire pit (say it with me…smoke bump). The effects dudes are spraying the tent roof with water so it won’t burn (I’m not kidding). It is hot and stuffy and I shoot several hours with the gorgeous Lady Star alternating with her also stunning Stand-In. They are dressed identically in early Raquel Welch pelts. The Lady Star is a pro and only engages me when cameras roll. Although I never speak directly to her I am surprised she does not suggest becoming a member of my inner-circle. Her loss, I make a great Brunch. Speaking of stuffy … her Stand-In is 22 and a true stuck-up Hollywood honey. Enjoy it while it lasts toots. She insults the crew by not remembering their names. “What do you mean you don’t know my name? Seriously? I’m Mitch & we’ve talked everyday.” I asked her later about “Mitch” and she said “Why bother remembering their names? Every guy here wants me. Who wouldn’t be seen at a party with me?” Then she was consumed by flames. I wish. Don’t you love the magic of green screen? She spent her days reviewing her Facebook comments out loud and laughing at her own jokes. Which were not funny. A Gaffer told me she was “exquisite” but he “didn’t feel like harvesting a girlfriend” at this time. He told me he has a hard cast rule regarding dating … “no actresses”.
These Green Suits are very revealing and cling to every muscle. The built stunt guys look great in them but some of the Stand-Ins are flabby. All day the out-of-shapers say they don’t care how they look in these outfits. They are liars. It is hard for everyone not to be self conscience and the moment we hear “CUT” everyone unzips their hoods and jump into jeans. We are manly men. Okay they are manly men and I think my hazel eyes go great with this shade of green. Do too.