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“No Autographs … PLEASE!”

“ACTION!” I am in a stretch limo that seats 12 on Hollywood Boulevard but the only VIPs inside are me & my 25 year old tall leggy Japanese Supermodel Fake Girlfriend in a short tight brassy Gucci number (her not me). I am booked as a “Red Carpet Celeb Type”. We pull up to this so-very-real-looking Movie Premiere just as a cute Extra dressed like a Valet opens the side door. Hundreds of my fans scream while my lovely companion & I smile and wave to our adoring throng. We’re famous pretend! I tip my top hat & the show biz crowd parts to make way for us down the long Red Carpet. A beautiful blond interviews us about our latest smash boffo projects for Extra Entertainment Insider News. The Background Performers booked as Paparazzi blind us with flash after flash (Why won’t they respect my privacy? Back off you vultures!). “CUT!” We get to do it Take after Take. Again again again again. Sadly no one asks me what I am wearing (I want to answer “Grandpa’s Tux”).

Last night’s Voice Mail Instructions said “Dress to Dazzle.” When I arrive at 6:00am today both Wardrobe Gals love my formal wear so I ask if I can show them a little something I hope is not too over-the-top. Voilà a Top Hat appears from my magic garment bag. They love it! “Approved!” No one knows this is from my Magician’s outfit. Shhhhhhhh. The guy in line behind me looks like Brad Pitt and is dressed hipper than hip. Heartbreakingly he is not Brad Pitt but another fake Celeb like me. Waah. He says he likes my chapeau. Thank you nice fake Brad Pitt. I totally own this look all day and boy do I work it brother. Do you like my black skinny Calvin Klein tie? 10 bucks at ‘Ross Dress For Less’. You’re welcome. These Tux slacks? Only 10 smackers at ‘It’s A Wrap’ in beautiful downtown Burbank (and get this, the store sells used Studio Wardrobe so maybe George Clooney wore these once). This silver tie clip was a Bar Mitzvah present. My white pocket handkerchief has a “S” embroidered on it (Mom gave it to me). Color me bedazzled. Color me Barbra.

“Fancy Schmancy”

My fake Japanese model girlfriend is actually a real Japanese model who speaks little English but we laugh all day & feel like we hit The Big Time. I run into a dear work friend from background land and she reminds me my waist black Cummerbund is worn up not down (“to catch the crumbs” per her well learned childhood cotillion lessons, who knew?). And this Cummerbund’s clasp is broken so I tie it up with a knot in the back, which my jacket hides. Hee Hee. Don’t tell. But please don’t slap me on the back. Owww. I said do not do that. Can’t you just be my “yes” man for today?

In the golden days of Hollywood the background talent who had formal wear were called “Dress Extras.” You saw them in all the 1920s-1950s Country Club Parties and Wedding scenes. Now there are much fewer calls for this, so today is a very lucky job. And I get a “formal bump” and 3 hours of overtime. Hurray! After the Red Carpet scenes we shoot the After Party. Because we are in overtime Production wants to wrap some people to save dough. I hear the 2nd 2nd AD tell a PA to “thin background by a third.” Literally thin the herd. Moo. They keep me. Because I’m dazzling. Hi Liza.

95% of the gowns worn today are from Wardrobe. Most look great but a few just do not fit the ladies. These gals hate their outfits and are not afraid to let everyone know (frankly some look pretty dreadful but I don’t care because I am selfish and look swell). Not that I would judge (repeat after me “Wardrobe makes the Extra”). There is a beautiful redhead who wears a black sequined mini-dress she bought on-line for $125 with a flowing chiffon collar that drips down her back. She is a sensation all day. So many other girls love her dress that by 7pm we hear the website has sold out of this irresistible Paris original. Let the cat fight begin.

During lunch a couple of 18 to-look-younger non-union male Extras booked as “bleacher crowd” make a few cracks about my hat. Under my breath I say “peons” & get a laugh at their expense. I feel bad about it. No I do not. Word to the wise boys…when you look like a schlub keep your cake hole closed, mine’s making money. That said one of the fake cameramen makes me laugh on-camera when he whispers “Hey Monopoly Man!” Well.

I have been lucky enough to walk 15 real Red Carpets over the years (plz feel free to catch up on my archive blog called “Famous Friends” ). So on-set I embrace my inner Stanley Tucci & glow all day. Several gorgeous female Extras ask behind me “Who is that guy? Is he really someone? Wow he rocks that teal shirt!” Hello lovely Ladies. Why thank you. Oh and my boyfriend bought this fabulous shirt for my birthday. We’re gay.

How much is too much fun? Today covers it. They are paying me for this. And…we are really truly shooting on Hollywood Boulevard so there are tons of real tourists watching and taking pictures and wondering who the hell I am. No autographs please. Okay just one or two. A dozen, and then that’s it. I mean it. Stop chasing me locusts. I have a life. Do too!

Today Fake Famous. Tomorrow booked as a Clown again. Slice of Ham anyone? As I used to say during 6th Grade Speech Class … “I’m not a Ham, I’m a Bacon!”

39 Responses to “Red Carpet Celeb”

  1. David Flymen says:

    U should be sporting a cane with that great look

  2. Leena says:

    You’re not a Fake anything! In my book, you’re a real live celeb! So there.

  3. Pam says:

    Fab, as always! Now, I need to forward this to a few people!

  4. Michael Ackermen says:

    Great picture, funny blog.

  5. Marina says:

    very dapper.

  6. You’ve always been a snappy dresser and once
    again it’s paid off. Great blog. Teal needs to be
    in your daily color palette.

  7. John Starr says:

    Thanks Carol & everybody!
    You’re too kind. Stop. Don’t stop…

  8. Susan Leslie says:

    Love it!

  9. timmy says:

    So did wardrobe lady “approve” you im her Target lady voice? Love the blog, and the teal shirt. 😀

  10. John Starr says:

    P.S. I’m on “2 Broke Girls” Monday Jan 2nd, 2012 at 8:30pm on CBS. I’ll be in 2 of the 4 scenes shot in a grocery store.

  11. Ben Estrella says:

    Great blog John.

  12. Samuel T says:

    Thank you nice fake Brad Pitt.

  13. Kathy Rosenberg says:

    I’m sure once that photo of you goes viral, top hats will be all the rage on the red carpet at next year’s Oscars. You heard it here first.

  14. John Starr says:

    Let’s hope we’re both there in person to confirm! Thanks!

  15. Andray Johnson says:

    The Japanese Model was very fortunate to have you as her (fake) date! You look very dashing!

  16. Gerry says:

    Loved this blog! Can I meet that model?

  17. twila says:

    Who needs the Oscars anyway?? I’ve already been
    on the red carpet with Big Johnny the real Starr , and that
    incredibly lucky fake lady. That shirt’s a keeper and the
    top hat was truly inspired.

  18. John Starr says:

    Thank you Twila!! It was such a blast of a day!


  19. Susie says:

    I just saw you on two broke girls! So cute & I heard you say “oye” twice! Hilarious & you were so frustrated with those girls! Yay!!!

  20. Mark says:

    Watched your Broke Girls on line. Great coverage man.

  21. Pam says:

    I SAW YOU!!!!! You were the best shopper in the store! I did watch the entire show.

  22. Laurie says:

    So nu…did you ever buy the challah you were eyeing but never touched 😉

  23. John Starr says:

    Laurie- Thanks for watching “2 Broke Girls”!

    In several takes I picked up the challah bread & then put it in my basket, but it was cut out. Who knows why…

  24. Chris L says:

    When the woman in purple says, “Who’s the queen now?,” who COULD she have been talking about?

    Very good. Properly disgusted without stealing focus. On purpose, anyway. Who can resist that face???

  25. John Starr says:

    1) How dare you?
    2) You’re too kind!

  26. Dino says:

    U da man-stereo typed one!

  27. Twila says:

    There you were in your great looking argyle sweater (do they still call them argyles?)
    Due to my ineptitude, I had to watch the first l3 minutes also. Now that’s devotion. My wish for you is that they’ll use you on many more episodes.

  28. John Starr says:

    Goddess villing!

  29. Andrew J says:

    This was the best ep of this show I ever saw.

    Which bread did you choose?

  30. John Starr says:

    Andrew- I grabbed a nice Challah. Repeatedly.

  31. Daniel says:

    Hi John, Cool beans! You had a long scene. Glad you’re enjoying your job and doing so well.

  32. Jay says:

    It was fun recognizing you on “Wifred”, and you hadn’t sent a clip or anything. It was “Wait a minute, that’s John!” I love the show Wilfred. Pilot episode had me howling :).

  33. Tara says:

    Wow John I just saw you with Kim Kardashian’s on Last Man Standing! Cute hat too! Congrats!

  34. Kathy says:

    You were fabulous….loved the hat!

  35. John Starr says:

    Thanks guys for watching!


  36. Mila says:

    Finally saw WILFRED 110 on some Eric Stoltz website. Once again a superb performance by John Starr!!!!

  37. Laurie says:

    Great shot of you at the end of Wilfred!

  38. John Starr says:

    Regarding WILFRED…Hope you can open this link. I have a great 2 shot in this brief weird party scene from WILFRED episode#110 “Isolation”. I’m standing behind Eric Stoltz talking to Elijah Wood.

  39. Twila says:

    Opened with no problem. Good shot.

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